If you are free tonight, God, I have a favor to ask

Dear god:

I am so very sorry for laughing at moms who told tales of children over a year not sleeping through the night.  Please ask your fiery torture administrator (aka my daughter) to back off.  She not only doesn’t sleep through the night, she doesn’t sleep more than two hours at a time.  That’s not true, she has one four hour stretch when I put her down at 730. THEN it’s every two hours.  Sometimes every hour.  You must really think I was particularly cruel to these complaining women.  For this I apologize profusely.

As of late you seem to have engaged my son in your efforts as well.  I must report he is working superbly with your primary torture administrator.  They never wake at the same time, alternating seamlessly.  Some of your best work was Friday night.  Remember, when Chloe woke at 11:30pm and then again at 1230am?  Gavin shrieked about a wet bed at 2am.  Chloe up again at 3am.  At 4am, for the love of screaming at the top of your lungs, Gavin COULD NOT FIND FINN MCMISSILE.  That woke everyone.  Except daddy of course.  This torture is designed specifically for mommy and like a dog to his human, he cannot hear these cries.

I am wondering if you were busy with March Madness on Sunday night because Chloe only woke at 2am and 4am and Gavin slept until 630.  My bleary eyes were thankful that Kansas needed that much help beating Purdue on their way to the Sweet Sixteen.  Two night wakings after my own 4 hour stretch of sleep barely registered on my sleep deprivation meter.  It remained steady at “SEVERE” without crossing into “tomorrow you might be arrested for CHILD ENDANGERMENT.”

Despite thinking I was in a comfort zone as a mother, you have sufficiently humbled me.  I don’t know what to do about Chloe’s inability to sleep through the night.  I admit it!  I nurse, I refuse to nurse, I soothe, I let her cry.  I am at a loss.  There is no quicker and easier way to have a mommy call mercy than to render her sleep deprived…for over three years (what? no one sleeps during their third trimester).

You win dear god.  Consider me Daniel Plainview in church at the hands of Eli.  I will say whatever you need to hear.  Please just let my children learn to sleep a whole night through.

Eternally yours,



PS – Don’t get all warm and fuzzy at this family cuddle.  It’s a survival technique.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

PSS – note the offending Finn McMissile in the photo.  I wonder if he is the one behind all this torture.  He is a spy after all…

22 thoughts on “If you are free tonight, God, I have a favor to ask

  1. I could have written this myself. I don’t think my husband understands how sleep-related resentment undermines our relationship: I often wake up seething with anger towards him for simply not having to be conscious about our children’s sleep. I don’t understand how he is exempt from this. And yet there I was, in the room with the girls while Holly screamed for no reason (?) and Robin whimpered because we left her fave bear in the car. The worst? WHEN HE WAKES UP AND SAYS HE IS TIRED. That just does not compute.

  2. I would never pretend to be godly in any way, but I do know how you feel so I will suggest this book. Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. I know, another book. But this book will help you. Skip over the beginning chapters about how important sleep is to kids-duh, you know that because you know how much you need it. Skip straight to strategies and age. BUT you have to follow through on the action you choose-so no more confusion for her (nursing, not nursing, rocking, not rocking, laying with mommy, not laying with mommy, etc). The key to getting her to sleep is your commitment to your plan. Plans are tough to stick to at 4am when they are up again crying…but I bet it will take less than a week.

  3. So you were really laughing at me all that time….hmmmm. I feel bad for you, but gotta admit am having a moment of “satisfaction”. I mean now that I know that all that laughing was involved. You can’t blame me right? I suppose you found it funny when I fell asleep at that red light on my way INTO work that day. Really funny stuff…

    Alright, I’m back to sympathy. Really wouldn’t wish it on you. That said…I do have the solution, but everyone will tell you that I am not only wrong but also a terrible mother when they read it…so I share with some caution (not really). I will leave it up to you to decide becauase it did finally work for us. Here it goes:

    Let her stay up/ We just stopped trying to make her go to bed, and though she was up crazy late (like I admit that 11:00PM wasn’t unusual, but hold your judgemet until after the elipses)….she also would sleep through the night and until 10:00 AM.

    Your call. Many would call me crazy…but as tired as you are right now, just read those words again “she would sleeep until 10:00”. Then tell me who is crazy…

    Just sayin’…yes there are books and things…and then there is “our way”. Might be worth a shot.

    • Ha! Oddly (or not) I never considered you one of those moms. I feel like MA is the equivalent of the boy. He has his moments/nights but generally he sleeps 10 hours straight (which I can’t complain about). The only time he hurts is when he’s tag teaming with her. It’s the girl. The devil spawn girl that I don’t know how to handle. She has tactics that I can’t begin to explain. In your worst nightmares you cannot begin to imagine. She spends 12 hours in bed at night (and still naps 3 hours during the day) – it’s the constant constant waking that is killing me.

  4. I was laughing so hard I just snorted in our breakroom! I’ve both read Healthy Sleep Habits and let Bobby stay up late, I’m too tired to remember what worked. Both kids just did it on their own when they were infants but at 3 Bobby started waking up most nights, and here we are. Sorry, I don’t have a point, too tired!

  5. Hilarious blog post, Carinn, about a not so funny form of hell. I have a new appreciation for the fact that my children sleep well and can honestly say I have never laughed at those less fortunate. It is so painful to get interrupted sleep. Really hope your prayers are answered. I am sure there is some fancy doctor in NYC that you can pay gobs of money to for this -ha!

    • To tell you the honest truth I have never actually laughed at these moms. Or if I laughed it was more in that, WTF?!? nervous uncomfortable chuckle. Call me James Frey but I just thought it was a funnier intro.

  6. After our four day trip this is the first thing I read; I unfortunately empathize. Last night we had 2 a.m. Sully, 3 Will, 4:00-5:00 Sully (during which point I tried to tickle his back, sympathize, got angry, and then wondered if my day was starting), and 6:30 Will. We really shouldn’t have laughed so hard at those other moms. I also thought it was silly that they were taking their children to their bathroom in their home, now I realize it’s impossible to escape them. Wonderful post (but sorry about what made it!). 😉

    • I’ve got your back. Travel sleep disruption is awful. All you want is to be back in your normal routine but everyone is all discombobulated. (is that really how you spell that word?!?!). I’ve got your back. Hope the pink eye is gone at least.

  7. Been there. Still there. I blog about it as well. My husband snores through it. I hope God answers your request. If so, I’ll definitely put one in. Oh heck, I’m gonna put one in anyway.

  8. Oh my gosh, you totally said it – “There is no quicker and easier way to have a mommy call mercy than to render her sleep deprived”. I can’t handle it. At all. My son has never, ever been a good sleeper and he’s 3 and a half now. I think my first month of blogging was basically about his sleep problems. I don’t know what I would do with 2 little ones. I’m so sorry and hope things get better. I also agree with whoever said husbands do not understand how badly sleep deprivation can affect you. This mommy stuff is tough! saying a little sleep through the night prayer for you guys :)

  9. Hilarious!! I’m the proud mama of a no-sleeper too…so I won’t recommend any books or methods or bright ideas (like you haven’t tried those things already?!) Instead, I’ll just laugh WITH you, because sleep deprivation would be funny if it wasn’t a form of torture 😉

  10. Carinn, it sucks being up in the middle of the night. I have no advice just sympathy. James has the same Finn McMissile. He parks it in a special spot in his bed every night. I guard it like the holy grail because I know the headache that comes with losing it. Once in awhile, I fail. Then I’m forced to create some elaborate secret mission to buy myself time while I search. Some missons have lasted for days, long horrible days. We do what we have to do because we have no choice. I keep reminding myself that in 10-15 years I’ll be begging them to get out of bed!

    • What is so great about Finn McMissile? Boy hasn’t even seen the Cars movie so I can’t say it’s his personality. Too funny – I love the secret mission plan! Far superior to my “hopefully it will turn up”. That generally gets a lot more tears.

      Ahhh, the teenage years of sleep and rebellion. I look forward to them with great fright.

  11. Pingback: Nevermind that noise, it’s just my ovaries whining. | Welcome to the Motherhood

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