What To Expect When You’re Expecting: More Panic Attacks

Yesterday I strapped my baby girl in the Ergo to get my fix.  Not quite smack, but pretty damn close.  The very last day of the delectable Smores cupcake at Sprinkles.

Graham cracker-lined Belgian dark chocolate cake filled with bittersweet chocolate ganache and topped with toasted marshmallow frosting.  Ooey gooey yummy-ness

Everything was going right.  I had money on my Metrocard and we caught the uptown 6 train in less than a minute (a nearly impossible feat on a Sunday afternoon).  When we arrived, more good fortune.  The Smores were fresh and there was a very short line.  My mouth was watering and Chloe was entertained by the constant movement of the city.

We headed back underground to the downtown 6, which was just arriving.  I couldn’t believe our luck!  No delays at Grand Central – round trip this little excursion would take less than 30 mi…..

My thoughts came to a screeching halt.  And it wasn’t just in my head.  It was the train as well.  The ear piercing sound of metal on metal could mean only one thing.  Someone pulled the emergency brake.

Despite my decades of living in the city and using the subway almost every day, I had never experienced this in real life.  I recognized it only from the movies — Speed, Die Hard (with a Vengeance), Hackers, Pelham 1-2-3.  You can see where my mind was going with this in an instant.  Not good.

So here’s where I want to tell you something you won’t read in any baby book.   Things even your awesome best friend – the one who told you about the weeks of bleeding, the night sweats, the baby blues, the leaking (breast and bladder) – forgot to mention:  your life is forever changed once you have children.  In ways your best friend can’t even begin to describe.

Let’s go back to my subway incident as a prime example.

Before kids: Probably some bored teenagers getting their kicks on a slow Sunday.  At my expense.  Damn kids.

Post-kids:  Don’t panic.  Don’t panic.  You need to think clearly.  Assess whether we are faced with a potential train collision, bomb, or hostage situation.  Then come up with a perfect plan of action to escape in the nick of time.

Before kids:   Hey, great timing!  Sprinkles in hand!  Maybe now I’ll have an opportunity excuse perfectly valid reason to eat all four cupcakes without having to share with anyone.  After all, we could be stuck here for hours.

Post-kids:  What the f#ck was I doing?  I put myself and my 14 month old baby in grave danger (is there any other kind?) for the insanely selfish reason of enjoying overpriced cupcakes??!?!?!?!??   Stupid, stupid, stupid!!

Before kids:  it’s too bad I don’t have any milk to enjoy with these rich cupcakes.

Post-kids: I’m too far into the weaning process to produce enough milk for Chloe to survive.  Damn it!  Why don’t I have more milk?!?

Before kids:  If this train blows up it will be really sad because I never got to have children. 

Post-kids: If this train blows up it will be really sad because I have children.

People openly lament the lost exotic vacations, copious amounts of free time and, of course, the dream of a good nights sleep.  But not enough people remind you of the loss of simplicity that is replaced by hyper-awareness.  Suddenly you are given parent goggles.

Image courtesy of myclone.wordpress.com

With these special glasses you cannot see the world as it once was.  Instead you must see the potential harms in everything:  from subway terrorists, to the media, to the strawberries at the local market.   Because maintaining the innocence, the purity, the security of other human beings (two in my case) — that’s your responsibility now.

A heavy but beautiful burden

Kan’t Kope with the Kardashians anymore, K? K.

For two months last summer the Kardashian clan lived directly across the street while filming Kim and Kourtney Take New York.  Kris Humphries walked among early commuters to his work outs.  Scott Disick donned electric blue suits in my local deli.  Kim and Kourtney, never without a film crew and twenty paparazzi, purchased gum from the vendor outside my door.

Are you getting this? Walking across the street for gum. Riv.et.ing.

They were generally polite and unobtrusive neighbors and caused little distraction.  I had no complaints.  Unless you count their complete and blatant disregard for the letter C.

One could blame this on their parents, who began the K game.  Kim, the second born, was granted the only name that actually begins with K.  Kourtney isn’t too much of a stretch but as you might imagine, Khloe infuriates me.  No where in the English language do you use the ‘kh’ to make a hard ‘K’ sound.  On the other hand, ‘ch’ mimics the ‘k’ in many words such as school, chorus and character.   Not kool.

The girls took matters into their own hands when they “wrote” an autobiography entitled Kardashian Konfidential.  Since then their antics have far surpassed silly spelling mistakes into full blown ridiculousness.  Enter Kim’s nail polish line.

“I am excited to reveal my brand new nail polish collection for our Kardashian Kolors…Wel-Kim to My World!! There are six new colors, which are really feminine and flirty!”

Kolors Colors include “Kim Konfidential,”  “Here Kim’s The Sun,” “Up & Kim-ing Pink,” “Nothing Kim-pared To Blue,”  “Lights, Kim-era, Action!” and  “Others Pale By Kim-Parison.”

I don’t need to point out that all of the “puns” above involve replacing COME, COM, CUM  with the word Kim.  But I will.

Here’s the thing Kardashians.  There are thousands of words that start with the letter ‘C’.  Do you really want “your thing” to be misspelling them all with a ‘K’?  Cause it’s not kute.

The divorce has lost steam, Kourtney and Scott are settling in for baby #2, Khloe and Lamar are back in LA.  I really thought we might get a break from these people.

Boy, I was I wrong.  E! is shelling out $40 million dollars for three new seasons.

Am I the ONLY one out there that wants to see this house of Kards (totally the title of the future unauthorized biography) fall?!?!

Behold. That ass. It's impressive. Now can we please move on???

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A Day in the Life

It was a rainy Sunday so we decided to pack some snacks and head to the Upper West Side to get out of the GD house for some culture.

Here we go

We were totally original in this idea and congratulated ourselves the whole way up there. Until we saw the lobby.

There are four lines but every single person here is on one of them.

Thankfully the line moved quickly and we started off strong.

The animal exhibits were a huge hit.

"Stay cool guys, but I think there's a polar bear headed my way."

We were having so much fun, even the science exhibits were fascinating.

C's reading to us about mitochondria

Gavin’s favorite part of the day:  the craft table

Look ma, I made a jellyfish out of plastic which is extremely harmful to the actual ocean

Chloe’s favorite part of the day was no surprise:

Mama always has snacks

Mom and Dad’s favorite part:  all that excitement = early bedtimes.

Cheers!

WTTM Jessica Simpson!

Jessica Simpson gave birth to daughter Max Johnson earlier this…

What?

She’s still pregnant?  Are you kidding me?

I’ve said it here before pregnancy is a long road. But Jessica really proves it.  Let’s recap the past 10 months:

 

In NYC on October 27 – visible bump

 

With the cat out of the bag, Jess thought this was a cute way to go public on Halloween

 

The fact that this hit newsstands in mid-March makes me think these photos were taken when she was about 30 weeks pregnant.  You think?

March 27. This was the bump Miss S was sporting at the time Elle was released…shopping in Beverly Hills

Looking serene, she finally ditched the skyscraper heels for some flip flops earlier this month

US Weekly is keeping close tabs on the situation and delivering important updates:

Jessica Simpson is due to give birth to a baby girl any day now, and rather than wishing for a flatter post-baby belly like most new moms, she’s more concerned about her lonely footwear collection.

“I can’t wait for the day I can walk in heels again! My feet feel homesick!” the pregnant star tweeted to her 4.9 million followers Tuesday.”

She’s opted instead for Havaianas flip-flops.

“I actually had to train myself to walk in them!”

As any good piece of investigative journalism does, reading this provoked a few thoughts:

1.  Jessica Simpson has 4.9 MILLION people who want to devour every 140 character morsel she doles out and I have to remind my husband to visit my blog.  Because a page view is a page view my friends.

2.  MOST new moms wish for a flatter post-baby belly?  Really?  They don’t wish the bleeding would end or the baby would stop crying or the night sweats would ease up just a bit?  I know I’m not normal, but I was always wishing I had a minute to brush my teeth.

3.  “I can’t wait for the day I can walk in heels again!” she exclaims, as if it’s right around the corner.  Honey, I’m still waiting.

Welcome – whenever it happens – to the Motherhood Jessica Simpson!  Enjoy the wild ride!

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Melancholy baby (this is not that kind of blog)

I’m pinned to the ground, covered with boulders.  Everything is black.  Air too thick to breathe.

Heavy.

Dark.

Suffocating.

Trapped.

Negative chatter fills my mind.

You’ll never.  You can’t.  You don’t.

Foolish.  Selfish.  Naive.

Not good enough.  Not quick enough.  Not enough.

I want to rage against it, I want to break free.  I surf blogs, the news, misbehaving moms at the playground – searching for something to incite me.

Nothing.

I stare at my notebook, knowing that writing will make it all feel better.  Or manageable at least.

But I can’t.

I have the tools to make it stop.  I’m just searching for the will.

Until then, I’m on autopilot.  In survival mode.

Just waiting for the dark cloud to pass.

I don’t need your pity.  I just want you to say you’ve been here too.  Remind me it doesn’t last forever.