Melancholy baby (this is not that kind of blog)

I’m pinned to the ground, covered with boulders.  Everything is black.  Air too thick to breathe.

Heavy.

Dark.

Suffocating.

Trapped.

Negative chatter fills my mind.

You’ll never.  You can’t.  You don’t.

Foolish.  Selfish.  Naive.

Not good enough.  Not quick enough.  Not enough.

I want to rage against it, I want to break free.  I surf blogs, the news, misbehaving moms at the playground – searching for something to incite me.

Nothing.

I stare at my notebook, knowing that writing will make it all feel better.  Or manageable at least.

But I can’t.

I have the tools to make it stop.  I’m just searching for the will.

Until then, I’m on autopilot.  In survival mode.

Just waiting for the dark cloud to pass.

I don’t need your pity.  I just want you to say you’ve been here too.  Remind me it doesn’t last forever.

20 thoughts on “Melancholy baby (this is not that kind of blog)

  1. I get this. My identification is times when depression over takes me. It’s terrible. Nothing tastes right, nothing is funny, I don’t look forward to anything. It’s a terrifying absence of sensation and feeling and color. I am medicated, which helps, but it hasn’t made me immune. It continues to come but blessedly it also continues to pass.

    • I am reminded of how quickly things can change – good or bad — when I think of what an amazing day I had yesterday. Then today, it feels like everything falling apart. So who knows what tomorrow will bring…

      Beautiful comment.

  2. My favorite phase to get me through motherhood: “It’s just a phase. It will pass.” It’s a reminder that the rough stuff isn’t permanent and has gotten me through some rotten days.

  3. This says it all….
    Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. ~Vivian Komori

    I’m also a fan of the “This too, shall pass.” Sometimes I just need to turn inward, recognize where I am, and breathe.

    Or my favorite:
    “Cheer up, Buttercup.”

  4. Oh my gosh, do I feel this one! I’ve been there and unfortunately, am right there with you at this very moment! For the past 2 days, I’ve been obsessively thinking about and planning ways to pick myself up, force myself out of this funk and get back to my happy, “normal” – me :) A few hours ago, I decided I’m making myself journal tonight. I don’t feel like I have the strength or will power to do anything at all but I know making myself get going is going to be the key to feeling better. That’s the tricky part and the worst, I feel like laying in bed but only laying in bed will make me feel worse. I really like what MommyOM said as well – “just turn inward, recognize where I am, and breathe.”
    Sorry for the long comments….I’m such a fan of yours, I love your honesty and ability to share the bad as well as good so others don’t feel alone as well. Just know I’m right here with you and absolutely, this WILL pass! Hope you’re feeling better soon.

    • Empathy, advice and praise — all in one comment! You are so sweet and so genuine. Thank you for being a part of this whole (blogging) experience with me!!

      Ah, and I forgot – though you are always welcome to leave long comments here – my email is jadecarinn at gmail.com

  5. It DOES get better. I’ve been there (and am still there, kind of), but each time I’m “there” it seems I can get myself out of it faster than the time before. Breathe. Remember that this is temporary. One of my favorite books is “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert – it’s about being “there”, too, and really helped me think of ways to process it all. And, though this is kind of cheesy, I’ve always liked this quote from “Castaway” – ” I gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring.”. So hang in there. Tomorrow will be better. Prayers and hugs!

    • That is honestly the nicest thing you could say. I was so back and forth about posting this because, even if I was being snarky, this isn’t that kind of blog. It’s supposed to be a humorous take on motherhood. Then I thought, if I’m feeling this way, someone else must be too.

      Even mamas get the blues.

  6. I’ve been there, honey.

    And I just want to be sure: and say take care of yourself.

    I had to go on meds for a few months, and see a therapist, also join a support group.

    NEVER would have survived my PPD without a support group.

    Just making sure you know, there’s lots of help out there for when it doesn’t seem to be getting better.

    Do you follow hashtag #PPD on twitter? Do you know of the #PPD army.

    And now I’ll go, b/c I”m starting to sound like a mother.

    But, yes: I got better, but only with some help from many, many people.

    Reaching out, like you’ve done here: being honest is THE BEST FIRST THING a mom can do.

    To not be all alone in this.

    Because it’s the isolation that’ll kill you. Especially when everyone else seems to be smiling like it’s 80 degrees out and sunny.

    Take care…send me an email, really. If you want to talk.

    • Your kind words really touched me. Being honest – so simple but so hard when you are used to feeling like you can handle everything, anything that comes your way. But truer words were never spoken: it’s the isolation that’ll kill you. It’s a comfort like no other to know you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing.

  7. As you can see, you are far from alone. I’ve been there. And sadly, I’m sure I’ll be there again entirely too soon. Because anytime is too soon. You will find your inner strength somehow. Like others have said, this too shall pass.

  8. Ugh, I’ve had on-and-off major depression since adolescence. It is agonizing and paralyzing. It knocks the wind out of me every time it hits. Hang on. This one will pass, as you know.

    BTW, I just discovered your blog and I love it.

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