Is all of life an indentity crisis? Or is it just me?

Now that I’m tanned, fed and no longer sleep deprived, I’m started to ponder some deeper questions.  Is 5’2 the maximum height Snooki’s baby can hope for?  Would Jen Garner have had a third if she had one of each first?  Are Gwynnie’s ovaries whining now that she is always holding baby Blue?

And then somehow this question popped into my head:  WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

In sad contradiction to my 30s, I was the most certain teen I knew.  Since my junior high days, I can recall countless essays and papers spent detailing my life in the YEAR 2000 (sung in the Conan theme).  It looked like this —

To do:

Married.  CHECK.

Two kids, a boy and a girl.  CHECK.

Lawyer.  CHECK.

Home owner.  CHECK (it’s not our home, but it is technically home to someone).

Wait a minute second!  You know what this means??  I have accomplished all my goals in life!   Woo-hoo!  I never wavered in my path and now I am living proof that with determination and hard work you can achieve anything you want.

And then what??

I’m too young to be having a mid-life crisis, but I spend most of my days generally lost and confused.  Even when I am happy and in the moment, there is the nagging feeling that something is out of place.  Are Chloe’s pants on inside out?  Are there a handful of Cheerios in the shoe I just put on?  Oh no, I just don’t recognize myself at all.  That’s what it is!

I’d love to blame this on my kids and say that being home with them isn’t stimulating enough, but it’s simply not true.  I had a full-time job until just a few months weeks days minutes, a short while ago (ok, that’s another story).  Still I questioned my identity as a lawyer pretty much every second I sat behind that computer.

So I ask myself for the bajillionth time – WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE CARINN?

Back at the drawing board, I wanted to be armed with important information — 2012’s list of the worst jobs and a reminder that others have it worse:

#7, meter reader.  Sounded ok until I read they get shot at regularly.

#4, oil rig worker.  I have no idea what an oil rig worker does but I once loved watching Deadliest Catch.  Does that make me qualified to judge?

Wasn’t Ben’s character in Armageddon an oil rig worker? Doesn’t look so bad from here.

#1 worst job, the Lumberjack.  Not to be confused with my #1 favorite breakfast, the Lumberjack, consisting of two eggs, bacon and a light fluffy pancake.

Ok, well now I’m hungry.  Figuring out the rest of my life will have to wait until after breakfast.

17 thoughts on “Is all of life an indentity crisis? Or is it just me?

  1. I think the time right after your kids are immediately dependent on you is HUGE. I am going through similar shifts and questions myself (Although I have not achieved all my life goals yet by a long shot).

    • I think you are definitely right on the timing with respect to the kids. It’s a natural shift. That thought gives me some comfort.

      I haven’t actually accomplished everything I want in life — just a silly superficial list of items the 15 year old me thought were important. I guess it’s high time I take over the reigns from her!!! She had no idea that’s just the beginning…

  2. Wow – congratulations on achieving all those goals! And I am feeling the exact same way you are right now. I know I need to be home with my son right now but what is this restlessness? Is something missing? I feel like there is something bigger or something more I am suppose to be doing or working toward but I don’t even know what it is. Once again, your blog captured those feelings perfectly. That list of best and worst jobs was pretty eye opening too! Guess I was right about not wanting to wait tables part time – haha! Very glad you are still feeling rested and good after your vacation. Keep us all posted if you figure things out, I’m still working on it over here 😉

    • Hi Anna! I’ve missed you (is that totally bizarre to say?)! I’m so glad you can relate – it’s a bizarre feeling to experience such restlessness when you are “an adult”. I really thought I had it all figured out and that it was just a matter of going out and knocking things off my to-do list. To-do list done – now what?????

      • Not bizarre at all and thank you! I’ve missed you as well! Apple store had my laptop for several days, had to get a new hard drive so I’m just now getting back in the swing of things. Now the restlessness – that is weird to feel right now, to me anyway. I think we all expect to have it all figured out by a certain age but now I’m wondering if that age even exists! Love this post :)

  3. Yes, yes, yes, and oh hell yes. I agree with every word, especially about the breakfast foods. I love lawyer-bloggers for this reason exactly. This post is great, you are a great writer and you are asking the good questions. (I am still in shock that Snookie can procreate.) Anyway, thanks for being funny and reminding me I am not alone. I had to think long and hard about who the hell Baby Blue is and when I remembered I snorted out my La Croix. So thanks for that.

    • Are you puking while you read this? Cuz that’s going to be really hard to get out of the keyboard.

      You know, I was totally shocked that I didn’t see lawyer on one of those most hated jobs lists. Probably too much collective ego to admit it.

      So WTF? How do we figure this shit out?

  4. When you figure it out, can you tell me? I’m feeling rather unoriginal lately, so it would be a really nice thing for you to do if you could just let me borrow your plans.
    PS- now I want The Lumberjack.

  5. I distinctly remember thinking I looked forward to being an adult bc I thought for sure I’d have it all figured out by then. Ha! For me, the amount if searching depends on the day. Sometimes, I wonder how I got here & where I’m going. Other days, I just keep it moving & it doesn’t cross my mind at all

    • The intensity changes day by day for me too. Though some days my anxiety level reads so high I just want to crawl in a corner and hide. But I think that has a lot to do with the current job conflict as well.

  6. This is something I definitely struggle with! I’ve written about it a few times, almost hoping the answer will come to me as I sort out the words, but nope, nothing yet!

  7. Pingback: Hello, my name is Carinn and I am a writer | Welcome to the Motherhood

  8. Pingback: Hello, my name is Carinn and I am a writer | Welcome to the Motherhood

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