The truth about “no bathroom privacy”: what really happens in the bathroom once you have kids

Everyone warns you that you won’t have any privacy in the bathroom once you have children, but no one talks about what that actually means.  Some of you expectant mothers might envision a door semi-ajar as you leave your angels playing with blocks in the adjoining room.  You think you might even have a visitor just as you are finishing your tinkle and you will wisely take this moment to teach them good washing practices.

You’d be WRONG.

Will it ever be just you and me again?

  • You will nurse while sitting atop the porcelain throne.  We don’t even talk about how the wiping gets done in these situations.  Not even on this blog.   It’s just survival.
  • You will endure not only your own personal surprise but the shock of others when you unexpectedly get your period a little early.  Questions will shoot from their small mouths like shells from an Uzi.  “Why is there blood?!”  “Mommy, are you bleeding?”!  “Are you hurt?”  “OH, UH, GOOOOO!”  (that last one is from my grunting 17-month old daughter, but I am pretty sure it can be interpreted as “Is that shit gonna happen to me too?”)
  • You will have multiple little people pointing as you attempt to apply a maxi-pad.  A step-by-step lesson will be required if it has wings.

“What is that? Why are you putting in there? Can it fly? I want one in my underwear!” -shouts from the peanut gallery

  • You will be inserting your Nuvaring when the door bursts open and Lego-gate ’12 unfolds in front of your eyes.
  • You will read “Hand Hand Fingers Thumb” aloud while dropping a deuce.  Your child will be sitting on your lap.
  • If, like me, you teach your kids to go potty in a plastic crapper, you will experience tandem dumping.  You will resist for a long time, but when your son sits there for what feels like hours (“I’m not done yet I said!”) and insists you keep him company, you begin to see the efficiency.

This could take hours honey. Don’t worry, your bowels will get on his schedule just like your boobs, your appetite and your sleep.

  • You will be reaping the benefits of your morning coffee when everyone in the house decides that is the exact moment they need to brush their teeth.
  • You will be forced to defend yourself to the sudden intruder’s “what’s that smell?” query.  Try not to answer “carnitas” if you take them to Chipotle the next day.  They will remember.  They will repeat.

I let you off the hook with the logo here. Do an image search for “carnitas” right now. I dare you.

What has surprised you about the “no privacy in the bathroom” situation?

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24 thoughts on “The truth about “no bathroom privacy”: what really happens in the bathroom once you have kids

  1. This is the perfect post. Perfect. The hilarious truth of it all. The pictures. The details. The parts about Chipotle having me laughing outloud. And I’m nursing as we speak so that’s not easy. Seriously. Best post ever.

  2. Oh shit (literally)! I just cannot wait until my little guy becomes mobile and this becomes my life.

    Of course, I already had to explain the whole concept of “wings” to my husband, so that part at least should be old hat.

    Tandem dumping and Carnitas had me snorting. Hilarious!

  3. I know that this sounds like a sort of “first world” problem in the midst of the much trickier feminine realities, but I miss going to the bathroom and peeing standing up. But I’m committed to setting an example for my toddler daughter, who barges in on me several times a day. It’s like she’s trying to catch me doing something that she wants to use for blackmail. If she gets into the habit of trying to pee the way I’d like to, we’d be in for a world of hurt.

    Enjoying the blog.

  4. Oh holy crap have you got me worried now! My husband and I are trying to have a baby and now I’m terrified I’ll never be able to go to the bathroom in peace again! Now that I do now anyways. Why do they always seem to need to ask you a very important (and always stupid) question while you’re sitting on the toilet?

  5. Ok, this is an awesome post Carinn but oh my….it’s all too close to home for me! I can relate to all of it, sigh. The period part is especially disturbing to me, I try so hard to hide all that stuff but the little ones really do not allow for an OUNCE of privacy! On an up side, they can provide some comic relief once in a while. Mine was walking down the rows of bras at Target and honking all the padded ones today. I love how you are telling it like it really is and talking about all the stuff no one tells you when you’re pregnant – lol! Great post!

  6. You are too funny for your own good! Hilarious! I’m envisioning your kids on the playground explaining wings to all the other kids (probably with props!). They will be way too cool for words as a result of your honesty and tell it like it is-isms! This is the funniest post ever and every one of us who are in it/been in it can relate! Still giggling as I think of carnitas!!

    • I love being too funny for my own good. My kids are still so little – 3 and 1 (not to mention how immature boys are) – that nothing that happens in the bathroom is yet repeated among peers. Guess I will need to watch that sometime soon!

  7. Love this post. A was trying to get all the toilet paper off the roll while “sitting atop the porcelain throne” so I gave her one square to distract her. She then proceeded to take the square and put it between my legs. What a good helper!

  8. I’ve managed to re-establish a closed door policy with regards to bathroom business, but I still fantasize about showering alone. As soon as the water starts running, my kid, my (large) dog and my senile cat who is on a demented mission to drown herself are all there, noses pressed to the glass. My other big fantasy involves putting conditioner in my hair.

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