The Worst Place To Lose Your Keys

You might think the worst place to lose your car keys would be down a drain, but then you would know they were gone in that instant, and you would move on to Plan B.

If you lost your car keys in a drain, you would not be looking frantically under your daughter’s butt because you just had them in your hand before you had to wrestle her into her seat.

And you wouldn’t have to then take her out of the seat you fought so hard to get her in, only to have her scream louder when you place her in the seat well in front of her brother while you stick your hand in every crevice of the Graco monster.

And you wouldn’t have had to notice that the crying ended abruptly, before the honking began from the front seat where the sibling troublemakers had suddenly climbed.

And you wouldn’t be fighting a spritz of discarded Cheerios and raisins and fruit snacks as you turn the entire car seat upside down because you swear you hear your car keys jiggling in there somewhere.  Or is that just the clicking of the hazard lights button your kids keep pressing on the dashboard?

And you wouldn’t be biting your tongue hard enough to draw blood because you are sweating and still wrestling the pink and brown confectionery mockery that is this car seat – the one that ate your key and swallowed it down to a place you didn’t know existed.

And when you finally dismantle the car seat to a state that is more complicated than when you first took it out of the box and you are standing outside your car parked in a no-standing, truck-only loading zone, crying victory when the car key falls into urine colored snow below, you wouldn’t for the very first time see the crowd that has gathered outside the main door to your son’s preschool.

And you wouldn’t have to wonder what the etiquette is (should I say something? hello? got ’em!? don’t worry, I wasn’t really going to let them drive!) in a situation like this.

And you wouldn’t switch off the car alarm that you didn’t even know you had but they managed to find in their front seat explorations and whip both children out of the driver’s seat and into the back looking like you had just done battle.

And you wouldn’t get home thankful that your daughter is in one piece because her car seat now rivals something out of a story from your grandparents and how they didn’t have those contraptions back in their day and they just threw you in a laundry basket in the back.

But when you digest all of this you might reconsider and admit the worst place to lose your keys would not be down a drain, but instead in a big steaming heap of shit.  And I would agree.

7 thoughts on “The Worst Place To Lose Your Keys

  1. This is perfect. The universal issues of losing shit ALL THE TIME and then the stress of wading through all that gross stuff to find it. Seriously. This is one of your best. Please include in your best of compilation.

  2. You do know that the car seat key vacuum tube is connected to the dryer sock vacuum tube, right? At least they are in my house.

    I have a feeling the giant Graco car seats come alive during the night and just hulk around our house growling. Evil things.

  3. Hahaha – I felt like I was watching all this happen on a show or in a movie. Your writing is so good, I could see it all happening, feel your frustration and panic and I think I started sweating a little along with you :) So sorry this happened but I’m also glad I’m not the only one!

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