My metaphorical death post elicited two kinds of responses: understanding and an uncomfortable sort of sadness. Sometimes I got both at the same time. I kind of expected that it might bum some people out, but I was pleasantly surprised by how many people could relate to one aspect or another. That’s why I share – for the hope of connecting and finding empathy, but I don’t want people to think of me as a downer. It’s just not who I am at my core.
My writing tends to be much darker than my every day personality. I’ve always got a smile on my face, I am quick to see the good in people, and I consider myself an undying optimist. But part of what allows me to stay so positive is the (relatively) quick and thorough processing of the negative stuff.
Before I starting blogging, those thoughts stayed messy and hidden away in journal in my nightstand. Now, I make the effort to process them in a way others might relate to and tell a story of sorts about the uglier aspects of my journeys. If you know me in real life, this probably won’t jive with your vision of me. That’s ok. What you see is still mostly me — I am a very positive upbeat person who loves life and sees opportunity everywhere — but this blog has allowed me to show a little more complexity. Because that’s life.
Lest some of you are afraid the Carinn you know and love is slipping away, I want to assure you that I’m still alive and thriving. To demonstrate, I offer a list of the five BEST things about my new schedule and the new hats I wear ranging from “that’s good even though it’s terrible (aka the way I feel about the new Miley Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop video*)” to “that’s as awesome as Ashton Kutcher’s Teen Choice award speech*.” Continue reading
I grew up Catholic and believed there were two stages of existence — life and death. Death was the end of your time in this realm. There was no reincarnation, no second chances, no in-between. The rest, I deduced, was life. Life was good. It meant more time, more opportunity, more growth. So anything short of bodily death in my book deserves a smile. Nothing can be that bad! I’m still alive, right? Well I can’t pretend that alive and dead are the only two modes we have in this one body.
To say I’ve been having a hard time with this transition back into full-time employment is like saying The Real Housewives are neither real nor housewives (duh!). At times I manage to get though the day. I even have moments where I feel inspired. But mostly I feel like I’m dying. I won’t ever be able to explain what that means or how it feels to your exact liking, because trust me I’ve just spent the past five weeks trying to explain it to Ian. He’s no closer to understanding my overdramatic thinking than I am getting better at explaining it. You either get it or you don’t.
Either way, today I decided to try something new. Today I accept death. I’ve spent 5 weeks feeling terrified that I’m going to die, and today I’m just going to assume it’s true. I am dead. Now what Carinn? Now what?
Now, I tell you how it all happened. This is not a story about a car accident or a battle with cancer, this is just me going back to work. Where I died. A lot. Continue reading
It’s Friday, of course, but this post has little in common with the upbeat infectious anthem of the same name, sung (is that the right word?) by Montell Jordan. It’s also lacking the introspection of the NYT Motherlode’s How We Do It series. This is just my real life without a filter, an editor or even a Timbaland-esque producer. For those things I apologize. Continue reading