Naming the baby should be the very first perk you get for bearing the fruit of his loins

I can’t let it go.

It’s been 3.4 years and I can’t let it go.

I want to change my son’s middle name.  Last year I insisted it should be Jagger.

Let me tell you, he’s got the moves to pull off the name

This year I’ve taken up on behalf of Xavier.  Nevermind that it was the name of the first boy I ever held hands with; we were three.  That doesn’t disqualify the name (amirite??).

In hindsight I’m a little annoyed that I gave in on any of my choices just because Ian didn’t like them.  There should be no husband veto power.  Yes, we are both the parents, yes we get an equal say in raising these brand new human beings, yes we are partners in this journey into parenthood.

But naming?  That should be the sole domain of mommy.  You know, like morning sickness, leg cramps, that disgusting orange glucose drink and post-partum hemorrhoids.  He can name those.

While I haven’t taken up an alternative name crusade for my daughter yet, I do reminisce about some of the names that were left on the cutting room floor.

Here are the top 10 girl names that never were*:

1)  Olivia.  About 8 days after Ian and I started dating I introduced this name as the moniker of our future daughter.  He wasn’t fond of it at first, but over the next few years it stuck.  We were married 6 years before we had a girl and this was her name in every fictitious scenario…until I got pregnant.  Suddenly it fit as well as my jeans at 20 weeks — which is to say not at all.

2)  Scarlett.  This was a front runner alongside Olivia since the day Jack White bestowed it upon his baby girl.  Ian loved it, I loved it – it was nearly set in stone…again until I got pregnant.  Too popular?

3)  Clara.  Along the lines of Scarlett, we picked this one up from Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Sadly the cow from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse ruined it.

4)  Isla or Twyla.  Sing-songy and unique, these were at the top of my list as soon as we found out we were having a girl.  Plus Twyla Tharp’s The Creative Habit is a huge inspiration for me.

5)  Skye, Schuyler and Chyler.  Maybe it’s the familiarity of my own name, but I adore the hard C sound.  Too vain.

6)  January.  I admit I was seriously obsessed with season 3 of Mad Men which had wrapped up just as I got pregnant.  We finally ditched it when they confirmed the month of February as my due date.

7)  Bellamy.  It means good friend.  That’s something I hope my daughter IS and HAS.

8)  Violet, Vivian and Ivy.  I have a thing for the Vs.

9)  Winter.  Yeah, I got the idea from Nicole Ritchie, so what?  It’s cute.  Plus, unlike January, it would still be appropriate.  Other nouns I was in love with: Clementine and Magnolia.

10)  Marrin.  First suggested by my mother-in-law this was in the running for most of her gestational period.  Ultimately we just couldn’t figure out how to spell it.  Marinn, Maryn, Marin, Maren.  It also looked too much like my name but wasn’t intended to be pronounced that way.  Too confusing.

*in the interest of full disclosure, my daughter’s real name is among these “finalists”.  Chloe is her blog alias (she works with the secret service, you know).  So be gentle when you weigh in on my peculiar tastes.

What names did you leave on your delivery room floor?

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WTTM Jennifer Garner!

Today I had two posts in mind — it was going to be either Gavin’s birth story or the harrowing results of his preschool admissions process.  Those will have to wait.

Last night I received the wonderful news (ok, not me personally, but through E! Online) that my soon-to-be BFF Jennifer Garner welcomed a boy into her brood! And on Gavin’s birthday no less!  See, we are getting closer to a real friendship every day.

Even though it’s not her first child, I want to welcome Jennifer Garner to the wonderful world of mommying a boy.  It’s a whole different world than the pretty pink one you’ve been living in my friend.  Get used to bruises, toy car crashes, and a whole new relationship with urine.

Let me tell you, those tiny fire-hoses spray everywhere.  During the diaper stage, it’s best to anticipate the projectile pee at every change.  Even with those nifty tee-pee things, expect to get a shot or two in the mouth.

I know I said I wanted to be a model, but this is not what I had in mind. I need a new agent. Where's Jerry Maguire?

During the potty stage, you know your face will be safe, but that’s all.  You will find pee on the seat, over the seat, under the seat, in the bathtub, in the bath toys and on the vanity.  Pretty much anywhere in the general vicinity of the bathroom is fair game.

Just be happy I'm actually in the bathroom.

You can also expect your son to love you in a way that a daughter can’t.  Your daughters will model you and need your help and guidance, but your son will cherish you and need you purely for love and comfort.

Welcome to the Motherhood of boys Jennifer Garner!  I eagerly await the release of your perfectly crafted baby name.

And if it’s Gavin, I may just have cause to have that restraining order reversed (who’s stalking who now?).

WTTM Beyonce!

Welcome to the world Blue Ivy!  The baby, not the florist in Chattanooga, TN.  Or the event planner in Boston, Mass who hit the jackpot and is now inundated with calls and emails from TMZ (I guess they forgot to google their baby’s name prior to announcing it).

I mean the one and only B.I.C – Blue Ivy Carter, daughter of Beyonce and Sean Carter (“Jay-Z”).

Blue Ivy is an interesting name you say?  Wondering how they came up with it?  Me too.  So here’s what I found:

“Sources and fans suggest the couple chose the name “Ivy” because of the number 4 or Roman numeral IV, which is significant in Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship. Beyoncé’s birthday is Sept. 4, while Jay-Z’s is Dec. 4; they married on 4/4/08; they reportedly have matching “IV” tattoos on their wedding fingers; and Beyoncé named her latest album 4.  And the significance of the baby’s first name, Blue? Well, Jay-Z has three albums with the word “blueprint” in their titles: The Blueprint was released in 2001; The Blueprint 2: The Gift & The Curse, in 2002; and The Blueprint 3, in 2009.”

Though Jay-Z’s lyrics led us astray (“if we had a daughter, guess what I’m a call her Brooklyn Carter”), these two are no strangers to having names that mean something to them.  Jay chose his famous moniker after the subway line he grew up on – the Brooklyn bound J and Z.  Beyonce rose to fame in the group named after a page that fell open in the Bible as her mother pondered the perfect name for the girl group.  We should have expected something uber-symbolic from these two and they delivered.

Plus, I think “We-have-47-Grammys-between-us Carter” was probably too long.

Welcome to the Motherhood Beyonce!

This could be a name changer

I have been known to come up with some pretty insane ideas.  I seem to yank them out of thin air and use them to clobber Ian over the head.

They range from the mundane “I need to get out of this house right now.  Pack up the kids and your old person armor, we are going out to dinner at a nice restaurant (so what if it’s 430pm),” to the fantastic “Do you want to go to Hawaii…yes?  Great, we leave in 6 days.”  Some of them require a lot of faith, “I am going to open a yoga studio with all of the money I have ever saved,” and some of them he knows will never ever happen, “I want to throw away my entire wardrobe.”

After seven years of marriage, I have learned two things.

1) despite how well these ideas always turn out (not a single regret in the lot), my husband doesn’t like them.  They are drastic, spontaneous and generally cause a lot of chaos.  Ian, the even keeled, consistent and drama free only child, requires a lot of thought, planning and research to even consider a new idea, and even then, if it is going to require that much work, shouldn’t we just sit on the couch and watch football? “It’s Sunday for chrissake,” is what his face always says to me.

and 2) I am nuts.

#2 became evident to me only when I presented Ian with my latest idea.  “We need to change Gavin’s middle name.”

The fact that he didn’t laugh or explode with rage at the idea that we need to legally change the name of our 2 and 1/2 year old tells me that he has also learned a lot over seven years of marriage.  Instead, he begins peppering me with questions.

“Doesn’t that requiring going in front of a judge?”

Ok, doctors, the idea is alive.  Work fast!

“It will give me the opportunity to pretend I am a real lawyer.”

Gug-gong
 

“What about his fancy Pottery Barn chair?”

“I’ll get a new slipcover.”

Heart rate increasing.  Gug-gong, gug-gong.

 

“Won’t our family think we are crazy?”

“We won’t tell them, it’s just his middle name.”  Eye roll.

Oh no, I’m losing him.  Hurry, think of something good.

“Your grandparents changed your mom’s middle name after she was born.”

Genius.  And true.  Gug-gong, gug-gong.


Now I know what question is coming next and I tense just a little.  My own heartrate picks up.”What are we going to change it to?”

“Jagger”

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.  Flatline.

Time of death 4:39pm.