Of Course My Kids Are Perfect

I’ve been so busy running my mouth about writing and finding your identity in motherhood, not to mention the general mish-mosh stewing in my brain, that I haven’t said much about my kids lately.  You were beginning to think they were perfect, weren’t you?  Well, you’d almost be right.  They are preoccupied with their still-new-and-exciting Christmas toys, the cold weather is an invitation for all low energy activities, and my winter born children are far away from the half-birthday disequilibrium (as set forth by the amazing Louise Bates Ames) as possible.  It’s been as if my kids have transformed into real-life angels left over from the holiday season.

Until my daughter decided it was high time to raise some hell. Continue reading

Aspiring Mom-ager

Yesterday we had a long day of playing outside; running through sprinklers and swimming in the pool to beat the excruciating heat.  After bath time, Chloe sat on the couch in her diaper, sucking her thumb next to me.  I cuddled her closer, taking in the scent of chlorine and soap that lingered on her baby fine hair.

As I looked down at her sweetly, I thought, “she could be a model.”

Mom thinks daughter is beautiful.  So what?  Something in my gut warned that this thought came from a seedy place.

I listened as the inner dialogue continued.

“Those lips, that skin, those eyes. She is gorgeous.”

“It’s good that she hasn’t lengthened out to the full toddler look yet.  And with that bald head…”

(in unison) “…she could totally win younger roles.”


Brilliant idea coming…

Screw the law, screw writing, that conversation makes me think I’ve got what it takes to exploit manage the natural talents of my baby girl!

To prove it, I reveal my most recent to-do list:

1.  Change her name to Khloe just so I can say, “yes, that’s Chloe with a K.  She’s an aspiring Kardashian!!”

2.  While dancing to her favorite song, remind her to “make eye contact with the judges, um, grandma.”

3.  Admit she already thinks this is a real lullaby:  “Twinkle twinkle you’re a star, how I wonder what new car, I will buy with all the dough, we rake in from your one-baby show.”

Twinkle, twinkle sex tape star…wait, that’s a different version.

4.  Express my outrage over the gap between Toddlers and Tiaras and 16 & Pregnant.  What’s she supposed to do between the pageants and teen pregnancy?

5.  Start calling now to secure sponsors for her 2nd birthday party.  #1 on the list?  Elmo Neil Lane (after five shameless seasons of the Bachelor, he has to be close to this right?).

6.  To ensure #5 happens, work on a pitch for “My Super Sweet Second Birthday” featuring the big reveal of her final gift:  a mini motorized Mercedes.

Image courtesy of gelandism.blogspot.com.
Exploitation idea, all mine.

7.  Replace the milk in her bottles with Red Bull so she can power through the long and grueling audition days.

8.  On my speed dial:  the entire TMZ directory.

9.  Pad her diapers in the back.

10. Rejoice at my baby’s baldness because it means she can book jobs for infants.  √

Oh, and how about the photos that followed?

Crawling, genius! You look not a day older than 8 months!

Yes! Love the doe-eyed look!

I know I have some big Louboutins to fill (*cough* Kris Jenner), but do you think I have what it takes to be a star mom-ager??


It’s almost wrong to joke about that face.

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Music makes the people come together…unless it’s kiddie music.

I was raised on Blondie, Elvis Costello, Cat Stevens and Laura Nyro.  My parents have an audio recording of me declaring “I have to poopy” in the middle of my brilliant 2-year-old Patti Smith cover.  I idolized Joan Jett long before Kristen Stewart was born.

There were no kiddie songs in my house growing up.  And GD it, that crap wasn’t going to play under my roof either.  My kids have no idea who the Wiggles are.  The Fresh Beat Band?  As relevant in my house as calculus.  Yo Gabba Gabba?  We say HELL NO Gabba Gabba.

Now, if you are thinking we don’t enjoy a good dance party in our house, you would be sorely mistaken.  The four of us “rock out” every weekend morning over pancakes.  Even without daddy, most nights feature more pitchy notes and flailing limbs than a bachelorette party at karaoke.  We love popular music.

So what’s on our playlist?

1.  CRJ, of course.  Call Me Maybe?  On heavy rotation.  We even use the Harvard Baseball dance moves.

2.  “Paris” by Jay-Z and Kayne West.  Sure, Jay and the future Mr. Kardashian 3.0 played it ELEVEN times at their last concert, but we’ve got them beat most nights.  Thankfully the only words Gavin can repeat clearly are “what’d she order?  Fish filet.”

3.  “Everything at Once” by Lenka.  One day I will have to get video of my 15-month-old singing all the “ahhhhhhhh” parts.  It might* be the cutest thing ever.

(*not yet confirmed by independent sources).

4.  “Brokenhearted” by Karmin.  Alison Brie’s face, Gwen Stefani’s style and Katy Perry’s voice wrapped into one makes this chick a winner in our house.

5.  “Give Me All Your Luvin” by Madonna, MIA and Nikki Minaj.  I’m pretty sure this is only popular in our house because it totally sounds like Tilly and the Wall on Sesame Street.

Other favorites include Gotye, Fun and everything by Bruno Mars.  I didn’t say we had great taste, but we sure do have fun.

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What kids want.

I recently caved and bought myself a pair of Tom’s shoes.

I even splurged for the Vegan pair, made from hemp with recycled plastic for the sole. Cool, right?

I had held out for a long time.  It just seemed to me that Toms shoes were something for kids.  Ok, not like my kids, but you know, young-ens, whippersnappers, ‘kids these days’ kids.  Read: not my demographic.

The more I heard about the founder and creator of the shoe and the work he does, the less I could resist.  It married something I perceive as ‘fresh’ with social responsibility.  That’s a win-win in my book.

However, there are some other products out there aimed at the ‘kids’ of which I will NOT partake.

Freshly cracked eggs in MOST areas? What is the Egg McMuffin made from in OTHER areas?

You know honey, the double strand of pearls really looks best with the black Genie Bra, not the nude. Single strand, definitely white. You hit that on the head.

Remind me again why I’m wearing pearls with my bra?

The Street King by 50 Cent

Here’s an unlikely pairing if I’ve ever seen one. One energy shot for you, one meal for a hungry child.  And does the 50 Cent/the Street King really crave an orange mango dietary supplement?  I guess cheeseburger flavor failed market tests.

Jelly Belly. The Original Gourmet Jelly Bean.

The irony of a sugar-free jelly bean was what made me pick up the package.  I mean, if you take the sugar out of jelly beans, what else is there?  That weird gel crap?

But upon closer inspection, that wasn’t the most absurd part of this product:

I hope the people who develop, create and market this crap (no pun intended) don't sleep at night.

Cause, you know, I prefer my jelly beans come without the need for a DISCLAIMER.  Especially one that reads: consumption may cause stomach discomfort AND/OR laxative effect.  Individual tolerance will vary.  We suggest starting with 8 beans or less.

Sorry kids, I’m not buying it.